He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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