i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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