sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
