am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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