You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
