The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
