I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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