Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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