Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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