Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize