Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
