I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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