your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
