Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize