I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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