A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
