when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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