yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
