Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i think i have two assholes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
