i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize