if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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