so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
