is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
