My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
