Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize