Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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