Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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