luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
