There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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