he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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