Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
