our cab driver is having phone sex.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got inside last night via doggy door
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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