I can text with my tongue
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
