I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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