and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
