I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My dick has a subreddit
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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