Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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