I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
