I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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