happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
