I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
