The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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