I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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