I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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