waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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