I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize