dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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