I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
