woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
