I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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