I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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