Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
