I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
