awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
