fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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