I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
