ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
