You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
