he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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