I'm jealous of your bromance
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
