Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
