i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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