Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
