I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
