My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
