i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
