i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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