If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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