Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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