Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
