getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
