I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
